WARNING: Navel Gazing Ahead.

It's funny - I think, if I took the time to go back through my archives (which I never do, which indicates that I likely am rewriting the same 5 posts every season) I'd see that late winter/early spring is the time when I try very hard to maintain a routine, to be less indulgent, more thoughtful, less material.

And likely I'd either find that I succeed 75% of the time or I'd notice huuuuuge gaps where I just 'forget' to write.

I've noticed lately that I say lots of really nasty things to myself. Not out loud, but they're there. And usually I banish them with ridiculous workout plans or draconian eating plans.

(They all serve as a distraction until the Summer People arrive and my life ceases to be my own. And then all bets are off.)

This year, instead of vowing to get skinny or eat vegan or workout every day until the end of time or any of those things? I'm going to be OK with being chubby and wheezy for the time being. I'm going to move so that I feel good. I'm going to try to be ridiculously nice to the people I love and with whom I spend time. I'm going to try to get rid of this negative talk that tells me I'm dumb/lazy/unworthy - not that I want to stagnate or think I'm all that & a bag of chips, because Lord knows I have miles to go...but I'm tired of constantly feeling that I'm somehow not quite good enough.

(So much for growing out of that whole insecurity thing in my teens, eh?)

Here's to chucking out the voice that says "Hm. Well, maybe next time you'll get it." and embracing the one that chuckles "That. That is a beautiful mess you've made!"


Friday Night Bullets

It's 10pm on the last Friday in January, and I'm happily snuggled into the couch, the puppy (who turns one next week, so maybe technically not so much a puppy?) tucked between my tuckus and the back of the couch. He snores and farts, but he's toasty warm... on a night like this I'll take toasty & loud over quiet & cold.

It's been a week. A good week, but a week nonetheless.
  • Chamber music. So many emails to set the 15-16 season. Almost there, but "almost there" can turn into "gone" as often as "booked." Trying to let things work out, rather than force them.
  • Celebrated a classmate's promotion, and laughed my fool head off. LFI, thank you for putting together the best team ever - especially when there's no pesky work involved! 
  • Had a meeting with a designer at our outdoor venue...in the cold. Short meeting!
  • Lunched with a wonderful mentor, and with a young staffer. Both are whip-smart, and I was happy just to keep up.
  • Went to this new spot (they don't even have a website yet! does that make me trendy and cool? please say it does...) with two artsy pals. Tasty old-fashioneds and nibbles, great conversation, and a charming French bartender. It's not easy to make pals as an adult, and these new friendships are something for which I'm super grateful.
In less-than-awesome news? My office temperature hovered around 65 degrees for most of the week.
I have a gajillion things to do, and my motivation is strangely absent. I started the week strong as far as eating and working out, and only made it to Wednesday. And I have ignored the dust bunnies for internet surfing and the Outlander books. (Trashy and wonderful JUST LIKE ME.)

There is, as always, room for improvement.

But January has brought some really interesting people & projects into my life, and I'm feeling a very cool sense of momentum. I hadn't realized the depth of my 2014 rut until things started to feel better/more interesting...and they are, in fact, feeling much better. (Giving a shit is ALWAYS better than not giving a shit, I'm finding.)

Tomorrow I'm running a virtual 5k (most likely on a treadmill, because it's supposed to be reeeeeally cold in the AM), and then donating blood. And, if I can get my butt off the couch in the afternoon, meeting some artsy ladies for nibbles in town. 

January was watercolor month. February is yoga month. My motto for 2015 might be "an overabundance of mojo." It's working so far.


well, then.

We're not yet 10 days into 2015. But I feel like my inner Pollyanna has been resuscitated, and whether that's optimism or naïveté I'm not sure. I'm rolling with it, regardless...I've missed her.

I spent the end of 2014 coughing my brains out, wondering how Mimi and Violetta ever made it through their damn third act arias. Really, if I had to characterize 2014, it would be "the year Rahree gave up" - not "gave up sugar" or "gave up all of her bad habits" but more like "gave up giving a crap about how she feels or what she looks like or what she's able to do." Not my finest showing 2014, but she's set the bar low for some significant improvement, which is great.

I cleaned house. 17 bags of garbage, 4 boxes to the Vets. Freezer and fridge purged. I bought a journal. And then I found another I'd been keeping. And I started making plans and writing. Vowed to exercise 31 times in January. (I'm 8 out of 9 as of today, which is a decent start I feel!) 

Granted, it's not been all sunshine and roses. I woke up at 3am Monday morning because the cat has jumped off the headboard onto my face and split my lip. Work seemed super easy for 2 days, and then well nigh insurmountable the other 3. 

But I'm making things again - paintings and photos and songs. And it feels really good. I'm getting back into touch with folks I love, and am trying to talk more. (Always a struggle unless I'm tipsy. And then the struggle is wholly the opposite...) I'm trying to do random nice things for folks, and to surprise people positively with little things.

It's been really fun. And easy enough to be sustainable, I think.

To put things into perspective, I was watching the conclusion of the Parisian/Charlie Hebdo situation from the dreadmill at the gym. And it struck me that interpretation was the issue. The Koran tells people that murder is against the will of God (full disclosure: I've not read it in its entirety, and only a translation, Allow me this educated guess, and then please educate me in the comments.) but some trusted interpreters of that text twist the rhetoric enough to justify their actions.

Is there no better reason to go back to the source material, to dig for the truth, than those recent lives lost? And lost because they pointed out discrepancies in a lighthearted manner?Humour has always been the method to talk about difficult things - it's an entré to loaded topics, whether intimate or global. Silencing those voices is unforgivable...and in their wake, are we not called to scrutinize flaws in our system more thoroughly? More importantly, are we not called to find more joy, to love more fully, to be braver and more open and more generous?

I think we are. I am.

Here's to giving as much as possible, to surprising people with tiny kindnesses, to screwing up the finish on the dining room table in pursuit of art projects, to ditching solitaire for scrabble. Here's to fewer generalizations and more deep connections, to more listening and less sounding off, to moving more and standing still less frequently. (In every sense of the phrase.) And to shoring up those of us who need more support, more perspective, more understanding.

Here's to a 2015 that is crazy good - better than we ever could've expected. 


Welcome, 2015!

I'm happy to see 2015 arrive.

Don't get me wrong - 2014 had its good parts! New puppy at the house; a kickin', high-profile season at work; a few new initiatives that seemed to work around our chamber music series; a raise!; seeing my niece and nephew both doing well, and my mom positively thriving.

But it was a struggle, 2014 was.  If I had to assign a food to 2014, it'd probably be something like Cheese Curls - something that is initially delicious and tastes like nostalgia, but is upon further contemplation full of air and emptiness, and a little bit gross. I was blue for a good part of the year. In many ways, I gave up on a lot of things that really mattered to me, and embraced things that didn't really do much for me. I let go of some friendships, and burrowed inward...became more self-centered and lazy. We got hit with several large bills (broken puppies and trees and sheds oh my!), but mostly the year was just kinda blah...like we were treading water. And I spent most of December sick with a nasty, stubborn case of bronchitis...I aver that Mimi and Violetta couldn't have sung a LICK if they were coughing like that. Unless they were singing baritone...or being payed by Harvey Fierstein.

Really, nothing tragic, but simply not my finest year.

So I'm trying to ward off the twin demons of apathy and sloth by making lists and plans. Physical Health. Mental Health. Creativity. Relationships. Giving back. Personal Challenges. And - here's the big difference - I'm not trying to do them ALL RIGHT NOW. But I'm scheduling rotations to focus on different things during different parts of the year. Working mostly on either a monthly or quarterly basis.

Hopping hardcore - like the rest of my fellow chubby first world denizens - onto the health and fitness bandwagon, because the support is so pervasive this time of year. I have 30-day challenges for January, February and March planned out, plotted out what I'll do when I inevitably fail so I can get back on the wagon, and have a reward planned for April 1 should I succeed. I started week 4 of Couch to 5k training today, which is a feat after all that bronchitis. And I'm sucking down water tonight to prepare for my first bikram yoga class -  will I be smitten, or smacked down? We'll find out tomorrow!

I'm feeling optimistic. It's been a while...it feels good.

Wishing you a 2015 that answers that small prayer in your heart, that you didn't realize that you were carrying around.


Taking Stock

It's the 11th of December. (which, according to TimeHop, means that I should have my annual sinus infection/cough/bout of laryngitis. AND LO AND BEHOLD IT WAS SO.)

It's the 11th of December. And life is pretty good, and also pretty lame. I'm not whooping it up much (see paragraph #1), but even without the sequins, life is pretty ok.

  • The pup is rabble-rousing like a non-surgically-violated puppy, so I'm guessing that he's feeling better. Which is awesome.
  • As far as work, I've got a truly kick-ass group of young singers on the docket for next summer. We are going to have some ridiculous fun!
  • Also as far as work, I've got this new classical music project that I'm super stoked for. SUPER. STOKED. And, in my nefarious plan to conquer the world and learn many things while I do it, I'm not only getting to know a very cool artist, but am learning to listen in a different way. It's über-nerdy, and I'm loving the whole process.
  • Two more work things: 
    • We have decorated the basement with lights and trees and such, and it is A Holiday FESTIVAL. 
    • KPW is going to be a grandma in a week! And Tim the Builder is expecting child #2 shortly thereafter! We're going to have Trap babies next summer, which is the Christmas gift that will keep on giving. 
I have a metric shit-ton of Pierogi to make in the next few days...and the part of my brain that likes to avoid hard work is throwing me distracting messages, like "you need to go buy more supplies JUST IN CASE" and "What if you can't find cute containers to pack them in? They'll be ghetto pierogies and no one will ever eat them." Which makes me think I'll likely wake up tomorrow, drink some coffee, brush my teeth and start the first batch of dough, before I have time to consider alternatives.

It's pazzo. Had you asked me 20, 15, 10, even 5 years ago I would've not have expected being here, in this place, now.  Life is nothing - really, nothing  like I would've ever expected it to be. 

And yet, it's still a wonderful fit. 

My five:
  1. Codeine cough syrup. (#betterlivingthroughchemistry)
  2. West Wing reruns.
  3. Flour. Damn you, low carb everything.
  4. Slippers with fleecy insoles.
  5. Hats. Life is better with my hair hidden under a toasty cap.


bullet points.

  • I found a dog in the park yesterday as I was walking Boo. He was skinny, but friendly and adorable in a pet-fox kind of way. He had three leashes attached to his halter, and was dragging them through the park. I tried to walk him with Boo, to see if I could find where he might live, but his energy (and desire to constantly hump my dog, who was a good 40 lbs heavier and having NONE OF IT) meant that we didn't get very far. Some nice neighbors held him while I called Hubs to pick Boo up, and then I walked our Mystery Guest around the neighborhood, seeing if he'd drag me somewhere or if I would hear someone calling for him. No dice. He refused kibble (also brought by Hubs on another drive-by), and  I finally turned him over to the police after about 2 hours walking. They took him to see if he'd been chipped, and then he was going to the shelter. At least he'll get some food and maybe a checkup...it's all I can do to not call and check in, even though with the gimpy puppy at our house there's no way we can take him. But if you're in the market for a skinny sweet Akita, check with the Vienna pound. He'd be great with a family!
  • After the whole dog thing, I came home to start cooking. Because, even though we don't go anywhere for Turkey Day, it doesn't mean that mama doesn't cook! A small turkey, dressing, taters, cranberry jelly and an apple crisp with salted caramel sauce...and green beans and brussels sprouts that never made it into the oven when I saw exactly how much food I had made for only 2 of us. (The sad thing? The leftovers are almost gone. HOW CAN THAT BEEEEE???)
  • Had an x-ray of my knees done last week, because they were hurting almost constantly. The x-ray came back showing some damage, but not as much as would explain the pain...which means (to me, anyways) that I need to take some weight off and that all the bitching I was doing about not being able to run is 100% null and void. Ran through the cold rain on Wednesday, went again this morning. I'm starting all over again with a couch to 5k program, but it feels pretty easy physically - which is great, because it's a HUGE lesson in humility. Hoping to get back into the mindset by signing up for some short race sometime soon, just to get back into it. I forgot how running in the cold makes me feel doubly like a badass, even when I'm super slow.
  • Made an appointment to give blood tomorrow. Early workout, donate some red stuff, and then start making pierogi guts. Fair warning: if we usually exchange gifts, I can all but guarantee that this year, mine to you will not be gluten or lactose free. Sorry.
Hoping you enjoyed your stuffing/turkey/pie breakfast as much as I did. Happy weekending!



I'm either a little early or quite late in jumping on the Gratitude train, but either way I'm solidly on board today.

The audition tour is over, and we're on our way to populating a season that, in any one of the possible iterations, is going to be fan-flipping-TAStic. We heard some really wonderful singing, some delightful/compelling monologues, and hear from a number of auditioners who had positive experiences singing for us, irrespective of casting decisions.

It's enough to give an old grump the warm fuzzies. Feeling grateful to have carved a career that allows me to intersect often with people of artistry and generosity, and to have lovely colleagues that make even the most intense times fun and interesting.

On a personal note, we've been putting off having a fairly invasive surgical procedure done on Henry, our lab puppy. It's been worrisome, because the problem was becoming more consistent, the scheduling was tough due to our summer season and the audition tour, and partially because he's just a baby! But we finally bit the bullet, and he went in yesterday to have both elbows cleaned out and get fixed. He's traumatized at both ends, poor guy, but he's now home, snoring happily in his crate. I was a dummy to think that it wasn't going to be a big deal for the other creatures in the house - Hubs and myself, and the other dog & cat. But everyone was really off their game yesterday (I think I slept for a total of 13 hours. Avoidance, thy name is Lethe. Or 'napping.'), and even the critters seem to be relieved that Lil' Nibs is back home.

Feeling grateful for his safe return, and to be able to (eventually...) improve his quality of life through the procedure. (Wish us luck on keeping a labrador puppy fairly still for 8 weeks...)

Hoping to advance several things this week from the home office, including 2015 Opera Studio matters and 15-16 Chamber Music matters. Lots to do, but it's all fun stuff. My pantry is stocked for both Thanksgiving and the Great Pierogi Fest slated for the weekend after turkey day. The house is toasty warm, I've got a cup of tea and a book and a pair of wooly socks.

Life is good. And I am, indeed grateful.