what a difference a day...

...or ten make. I was pretty darn grumpy the last time I posted, fo' sho. Sorry about that - things are really, for all of my bitching, quite lovely here in the Virginia 'burbs.

I'm sitting on the porch (yay!) in the almost-dusk, listening to the whir of the coke fridge and birds and the occasional thunderclap roll across the sky. My shoulders are bare, my hair is a humidity-frizzed mess, and my arms are probably covered in mosquitos, but if I don't actually SEE them then maybe they're not really there. I'm sipping a glass of wine that, while not exactly my cup of tea (?) is more enjoyable that I would've given it credit for. There's something to be said for cold and sweet-ish on a warm night, and for leaving preconceived notions at the door. Small surprises are lovely.

Work is about to blow up. Even with the small season the anxiety dreams are full-tilt...my subconscious doesn't quite believe, again, that I can actually get it all done. I hope, again, that he (me?) is wrong.

I have a fitbit that doesn't work. I am a faithful Weight Watchers food tracker until I reach the evening, and then the candy in the cupboard makes me its beeyatch. I will likely not shed those last (mumbledymumble) pounds before the summer begins. And, at this point...in the dark, on my porch, listening to the birdsong? I'm unconcerned.

I'm happy.

Wishing you a comfortable place to put your feet up, a bug-free outdoor space, a tall ice-filled glass that leaves puddles on your tabletop.

Grumpy McMoperson

It's finally summer in suburban DC - the warmer temperatures, the pop-up thunderstorms, the bad hair...all here. And it's OK...aside from the bad hair, I'm ok with the warmth and humidity thus far, even though no one consulted with me beforehand.

Harrumph.

(I'm in a bit of a mood.)

One of my favorite small businesses is closing today. The folks were super nice to Boo and me, and we really looked forward to popping in during a walk, making some small talk, with Boo happily making the rounds to get some lovin' (or a little bite of turkey or bacon.) They saw a cable news promo that I did and texted me - they were so excited to see someone they knew! (And, let's be honest...they probably were doubly excited to know that I clean up ok, as I usually see them when I'm baseball capped or snow-jacketed.) I didn't spend much money there, but was looking forward to shooting them some business this summer...but not anymore. I hope they're all OK, and I do hope that they stay in touch...even though the likelihood is small.

Sigh. I hate it when good people leave. I am WAY more comfortable doing the leaving than being left.

I've spent the day cleaning out my closet, moving winter clothes out, summer clothes in, and making 3 piles: toss out/give away/ TBD. It's that TBD pile, the I-don't-know-I-like-it-but-maybe-not-on-me? pile that I'm currently giving the cold shoulder...just don't want to have to make any hard decisions, even with clothes. I'm grumpy that some things never quite fit right, that others wore to tatters/shininess/pill-encrusted way sooner than I would've liked.

And even though I work in classical music? I'm sad about MCA. I know, it's ridiculous on some level...I didn't know him, wasn't watching someone I love struggle or simply slip away. But I love the Beasties, and a lot of their music opened up conversations with people that I couldn't talk to about anything else. They were a personal bridge of sorts.

It's going to rain. Hubby is sick and needy. The dog is itchy and needy. The cat is recovering from surgery and is needy. Our bedroom is still covered in clothes and bins and boots, because as in many areas in my life, I start strong but simply fizzle out... which will translate predictably into a SUPER grumpy me when I walk upstairs to go to bed and realize that I didn't finish the job, and now have to make room on the bed for the humans and pets.

I am endlessly irritated by that Gotye song that is ceaselessly playing on the radio, because the dude talks about how he just felt 'meh' for the girl, but then he's all up in arms because she actually walks away completely and doesn't want to talk to him again? Dude. Grow a pair and move on. You get to choose your actions - not how other people respond.

(I need to bite the bullet and get sirius or pandora or something. gah.)


The entitled lady bitching about her first-world problems is going to take a deep breath, take the dog for a long walk, ditch the computer for a book and a glass of wine...and maybe will write some letters on real paper instead of staring at the computer screen.

My five:

1. Sweet neighbors. I'll miss those Deli folks, for sure.
2. Making progress. Getting dressed tomorrow in my spiffi-fied closet will be a treat.
3. Quiet. Listening to the birds, the compressor of the coke fridge, the dog panting, a plane overhead, somewhere above the cloud cover...beautiful.
4. Flowers. Hanging baskets are blooming like gangbusters, the peonies are in flower...it's pretty out.
5. Space. Things are starting to get busy at work (hence, likely, my irritation), so having an evening to be lazy and lame is lurvely.

WHOA!

Blogger!

(I keep typing 'blooger', which makes me think 'booger', which is not at ALL what I'm intending to write about...)

ANYWAY, I knew it had been a long time since my last entry, but in the intervening weeks Blogger has changed formats, and I am feeling strangely disoriented by those changes... not that I'm blooging (v. To blog poorly) less, but I'm over here a few times a week, and to do it well takes a little more thinking somehow, than typing my feelings and daily routine... the normal pre-season drivel seems less compelling than it used to.

(But that's not stopping me from dishing some out right about now, is it? NOPE.)

So. Disoriented is a good way to describe the last several weeks. Working backwards from yesterday: my first 12+ hour workday of the season (which ended with some of the best piano playing that I may have ever heard. Elegant, thoughtful, but just enough raw passion to make it truly exciting.). An overfull work week with lots of good things advanced, a Skype lecture with a local university (!) and with a fantastic dress rehearsal loaded in? Awesome. And also, taxing. Especially when riding on the heels of a trip to Boston (opera! reconnecting with an old roomie!) and a less-than-glorious sinus infection.

(Huh. Maybe this is in fact an exercise in 'blooging' in both content and nasal iterations...)

Things are getting busy. People arrive soon. I have to-do lists on three different platforms. The weather moves between summer and fall.

Today has been a little unsettled, but lovely. Hubster let me sleep in this morning. I went to the gym, and there was a class that was a dance class like I had in college (but with easier steps and waaaaay less range of motion) which made me so very happy. Car is inspected. Dinner plans sadly cancelled, but the Hubs picked up mac and cheese (to which I added truffle salt...I think I may have heard angels sing...), and now we're watching movies and waiting for a break in the rain before walking the dog.

I apologize for the bitchfest. I apologize for the scattered posting... link-o-rama to come soon!

Abundance of Riches

It's been one of those get-it-all-done Saturdays that, while not everything gets done, feels good just in the doing. Got my roots prettified, and then spent the day getting messy: weeding, hauling years' worth of crap out of the basement for the dump, cleaning out the shed, power-washing the porch & furniture, patching the porch ceiling, oiling the teak, grocery shopping, making dinner...feeling a bit like a superhero cross between Bob Villa and Martha Stewart.

To celebrate? Porch time with hubby. A glass of wine and a butter cookie (shortbread is the BEST.) and Pandora on a folksy station. It will likely take me more than one attempt to get the dirt out from under my fingernails, but that in itself feels like an accomplishment.

Happy Saturday, my friends.

Mixed Blessings.

courtesy of Google, as this little blog had totally slipped my memory... (Mom, please excuse the poor grammar.)

I will file this under 2 different systems: firstly, under the moniker "Nothing you do on the internet ever really goes away."

And, with more gratitude and love, as "That visit with Dad was really awesome. How wonderful to have the internet jog my memory."

My five:

1. Time-filled weekends.
2. Saying 'yes'.
3. Momentum.
4. Memories.
5. Inspiration.

Oh, chickadees, life is busy!

...and grand. Life is both quite busy, and full of exciting prospects. If any of said prospects materialize outside of the purely theoretical realm? Well, no doubt I'll be spilling my guts here. But
I'm feeling the need to keep these special ideas just a wee bit closer to the vest... for the time being, at least.

It's spring here is Northern Virginia...all adolescent in its dramatic atmospheric mood swings and propensity for bright colors. I spent yesterday redding up the house (a Pittsburgh term, for those of yinz who grew up elsewhere) and collecting donation bags for purple heart. Tomorrow will start with an adrenalin-fired tv interview where I hope to represent my company well and, at the very least not get fired, and will end with an uncomfortable but necessary medical procedure.

(Life really is all about the ups and downs, isn't it?)

Happy Palm Sunday to those who celebrate it... and Happy Sunday to those who don't. Let's try our best to be good to one another this week, shall we?

whhhhhyyyy is this so harrrrrrrdddd?? (Caution: WHINING AHEAD)

Oh, friends. The last two weeks have been a total and utter crapshoot.

• Sick mom? Check.
• Laid-off brother? Check.
• Hubby who can't function due to intense back pain? Check.
• A multitude of Dr.'s appointments? Check.
• A long-awaited concert missed because of anxiety? Check.
• Sleepless nights? Check, check, ohsweetjeebuscheck.
• A big goal denied? Check. (Half marathon weekend. And I'll be sitting out.)
• Another big goal also denied? Check.
• A questionable health issue raised? Check.

Lest I come across as desolate (which, being dramatic, I'm happy to allow for effect and all...), I've had some wonderful conversations. Mom is fine, hubs is fine, and we're working on fine-ing up my brother. I have people who love me, a comfortable life, a (usually) good head on my shoulders. I've been doing my best to care for the folks I love in specific ways. Paying it forward, living the example. Don't ask for too much. 

I'm trying.

And I realize that these are first world problems. Had this confluence of events happened the March after my dad passed? Wouldn't have registered. Would not have mattered a whit. If I was struggling for shelter, for gratifying work, for the health of my nearest and dearest? This would all be shuttled into a dark corner to be revisited when time/space allowed, if it remained relevant.

But now? At this point in my life? This unlucky confluence has shaken me to my core. 

I'm not a quitter. 

I've always been rewarded when I've put myself out there. 

I feel ashamed for failing, and ridiculous for being upset, and unsettled for physically being less than 100%. 

I've never been one for needing to hit age-related milestones,  but I'm finding that I'm freaking out because I'm not where I thought I'd be, in so many areas. 

I'm frustrated. Big Time Frustrated.

And I'm also frustrated at my reaction. I believe that the way one approaches challenges speaks volumes, and the fact that I'd like to curl up in a ball with a big glass of chardonnay? Well, that's not the kind of girl I want to be.

It's giving me perspective on how hard is it to get up once you're down, and how that skill gets rustier the more comfortable we get. 

Duuuuude, am I rusty. 

I called mom (because seriously, if you can't call mom who can you call?) to vent/get some much-needed sympathy. (And my mom is killer at doling out sympathy that doesn't feel condescending...she's a PRO.) And she said that maybe I'm just in a holding pattern, waiting for something to happen. And that I need to be patient.

(She allowed how I'd need to figure out HOW to be patient on my own, because it was something she was still working on.)

So, even though the goal was to put aside the Poor Me feeling starting this morning? Well, I think that I'll do it for real tomorrow. Use the weekend to reframe, to get some perspective. Being helpful always makes me feel better, so maybe it's time to head to the Red Cross to donate? Maybe it's time to head downtown to cheer on my training buddies for the Rock & Roll Half Marathon? Maybe it's time to do some more focused work on the new site?

Maybe it's time to spend the weekend reading and eating my weight in Samoas? Hmmm...(don't judge!)

Or, maybe it's time to stop flailing around...to just listen. To let the cream rise to the surface and to discard those things that aren't working.

(In the abstract, that sounds bigger and scarier that I intended. Thinking small. Small changes in outlook = big results.)

What things are you struggling with?