It's been a long time since I've had an internal whirlwind. I have been amazingly fortunate in that many, MANY things in my life are good, wholesome, joy-inducing things. And, quite frankly, the last 2 weeks have been a mixed bag.
On the bad side? Losing a parent. Nothing says "Suck it up, you're a grown-up" like losing a parent, especially the one who would mandate that you stay 6 years old for eternity. Daily life is crisper and colder than it's even been (I know, hello, it's February?!) and consumed with making sure that paperwork is filed, lawyers are paid and that my mom is taken care of. Do I doubt that my mom can care for herself? Not at all. But it makes me feel better to help out. I sat in my dad's tobacco-perfumed Buick this afternoon, and tried to make sense of things. I miss him, and will. No changing or shortcutting it - it's a new fact of life.
On the good side? Many, many things. Getting back in touch with my friends and my parents' friends has been a particular blessing. My middle school art teacher is my dad's best friend, and seeing him over the last few weeks has been one of the best things...he knows my dad as closely as I do, but in a very different way. The fact that we're both missing Dad both reinforces and reassures...I'm not sure how to explain it, but I'm so glad to talk with him again. So many friends have surfaced with support and advice, and while I'm sure many of them feel awkward contacting me I am so grateful to hear from them, to talk about other things or to tell them a story about Dad.
Prior to this, I avoided grief, illness, funerals...all of the things that surround the end of life. It was scary, incredibly awkward, and too uncomfortable to spend too much time thinking about... I felt like I'd jinx things if I spent too much time in that mental neighborhood. I am grateful for those who have navigated this situation on my behalf and my Dad's behalf.
So I find myself in the thick of a new transition, hopeful that navigating this one will make me a better person. Help is, always, appreciated.
5 hours ago