I'm restless, feeling like I'm lacking forward movement. But a good solid look through some old emails and blog posts reassures me that it's more perception than reality. Just in case, though, I have some shows and projects awaiting me in January that should shake things up a little bit, and am looking forward to talking to TC about some ways to re-prioritize and light a fire.
I'm kinda wanting that fire.
I've written here much less than I have in the last several years, and that makes me sad...sad that I'm not taking care of the people who actually like to read my drivel (in other news, you poor people need hobbies...), as well as sad to feel censored. I'm rethinking it...and may go back to being public in 2012.
But mostly what I'm doing is asking questions...lots and lots of questions. Am I where I want to be? (And really, what IS the answer to that question? "Yes." Well, good for you. "No," Well, sucks to be you.) What do I need that I'm not getting? How can I give back to my family/friends/community? What makes me excited? What gives me that semi-queasy, excited feeling and how can I find it again? Really, I think we all have a mental image of where we're be at different points in our lives...what we'll have, what will make us whole. And I guess I'm at the point where I'm trying to decide whether what I have, and where it differs from that vision, is right for me. I think that I have a lot of pals who made choices because they were 'supposed' to...or maybe that's just what I thought they were doing...but sitting barely on this side of 40, not having started a family yet, it makes me question who I am, who I wanted to be, whether this is OK. My mom has had very strong opinions of childless women ('selfish' being her descriptor of choice), and I don't want to be that, but I have to accept that, regardless of the cute house and good schedule and loving man and the desire to make it work, it may not work for us.
And so, in light of that? How does a girl rethink herself into her next incarnation?
That, my friends, is what I'm working on. And while I know that 2012 will answer a million questions for me, I'm a little nervous about those answers. Part of my journey is that I'm keeping a physical notebook...writing questions at the top of the page, and then responding/making lists on the page. So, my sweet readers, a question for you:
What questions SHOULD I be asking? (Comments or emails appreciated.)
- Room to think.
- Good music.
- Comedic pets.
- Glitter nail polish. (only on 3 fingers...I am an adult, after all....)